chronicle 59
im tired. im really tired. maybe my body cant handle the physical and emotional stress anylonger. thats what i get from numbing myself. numbing myself in simpler terms, is not being affected by the people around me. not feeling anything. being cold and aloof. i get to do what i want to do, w/o thinking how would people react to it. i get to say and act the way i am. although, forcefully i always try to smile, i think im really tired of doing it over and over again… but then again, by always smiling and laughing no one would really know how cold inside i am. how my thoughts are eating me, how my sorrow is manipulating me into a lifeless doll.
aside from my unrequited feelings for somebody, i got my family to think about, my future to think about, and also situations i really need to think and solve, before matter gets worse. but worse isnt the word here.. but actually a worst, uncontrollabe situation. it has been 2 weeks already.. wow! i never thought it was that long now.. and i never thought i could survive the guilt inside me. whats keeping me from talking to her? alot of ppl would ask me that for sure, if they knew. maybe they would also suggest that i should just apologize. i would have. i could have. its not my pride anylonger… but its a fear. its not like im afraid of her, i never was. but im afraid for her.. i dont want to hurt her. and i know.. i did before.. thats why.. i dont want to rebuild our friendship again for the reason that i may also build ways to hurt her. she was ryt, i dont have the ryt to tell her what to do. she’s older than me, more mature. she can cope with it. i dunno what will happen.. but if it is the only way that i wouldnt hurt her again bcoz of my stupid mouth..then i better shut it up and not get close to her. i really hate myself, when i hurt those ppl i care most about. thats why i try to act cold to them.. so that they would hate me as well.. and that way no one would actually get close to me and be hurt. absurd thinking? yeah. however, i was brought up to be like that.
“Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I really need it.”
