Daily Dose of Pumpkin

Vitamin C
Graduation

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends forever

and so we had our graduation today, APRIL 22, 2006 held at the Tanghalang Bayan, PLM field. it was fun… i didnt cry. hahaha =D but thinking now… that after that moment, all of us will be, well on our own different tracks.. it seems sad, that after 4 years of hardships & friendship, it will be just another farewell in life…. *sad*. i wish that after this day.. i can do it on my own…

Thanks to all, to God, to my family, to my friends and to the CN family. guys, u rock =D

i dunno what im doing again.. but im really happy ryt now. i dunno why., but i have this happy feeling inside of me.. and i wanna shout it out to the entire internet community if not to the whole universe that im feeling tremendously happy. maybe, bcoz my family is at my side now. im ok w/ my friends. im ok w/ God.. and wow.. ive just realized im such a lucky, happy girl… and a foolish one to not be contented of what i have.

lets just say, after the depression state.. here i am. i came through… maybe i just needed to know, how miserable & wonderful life is. how u can survive it, no, not survive.. but how u become aware of life, is just enjoy it.. dont be downed by what others’ opinions… just stay healthy. fit. and charming. and smile…. =D and value your life as u value ur family, friends & opinion of urself. =D

we had our 1st day of review today. i think it was still to soon to start reviewing. we’ll be taking our nurses’ licensure exam in december… ok? and i havent even felt a graduate student was supposed to feel, even summer break cant have rest.. toxic life. for an hour or two, im concentrated with the review, but after our lunch, ifelt really sleepy.. and so i slept. *s0bs* whats happening to me?.. hehehe

i was told that running away from my problems is becoming a hobby of mine… hehe.. but what im supposed to do? face them. face him. i cant. il breakdown…i really am a coward. and i admit it. but maybe they’re right. i have to face it, i cant possibly run away forever, its not ryt. ok, by and by, il face him. and ive already started. but facing him, and seeing him.. i cant do that. its too soon. i know i cant do it. im still very much affected by him.

“Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief, and, most of all, fear”

pinning has already passed, but i still cant get the feeling of a girl who had clinically graduated. maybe bcoz of the cases i still need to complete, or may be im just being insensitive again, but im not the only one whos got that feeling.. almost all of us are feeling that way, some way or another.

read my shout out? yah. i think im feeling ok now. my bestfriend and i are back to being the way we are. im starting to move on. but he still grips me. and hate it. if i could only tell him, to stay away from me, to not txt me anymore, to be out of my way, to not talk to me, and just forget about me. coz thats what im doing, and i cant possibly do that if he cant feel that i wanted to get away from his grasp. but what plausible reason should i tell him, if ever he asked me why he needed to stay away? bcoz im such an honest girl, i wud tell him the truth of course. hahaha. =D dream on, like i wud really do that. telling him, to stay away bcoz he’s hurting me so much, would sever my already splintered ego/pride. and i cant allow that. u already had hurt me so much, my feelings were tattered bcoz of u, my emotions were unstable for a whole week, and now ur gonna crashed my pride as well.. no way. i cant save my emotions and my heart before, bcoz my feelings for u were stronger than my mind.. but now that im thinking properly again.. i know i can save at least my pride. and im telling u.. i will be ok but i would probably hate u, and maybe sumday i could avenge myself against u… hahaha. i really hate u… i wud be ok. i will be happy. i will not cry again bcoz of u.. u.. u loathsome fool.

“When we come into the present, we begin to feel the life around us again, but we also encounter whatever we have been avoiding. We must have the courage to face whatever is present / our pain, our desires, our grief, our loss, our secret hopes our love / everything that moves us most deeply.”

Just the result of some rand0m quiz/test i took.. =D

Green

You’re green, the color of growth and vigor. Good-hearted and giving, you have a knack for finding and bringing out the best in people. Green is the most down-to-earth color in the spectrum — reliable and trustworthy. People know they can count on you to be around in times of need, since your concern for people is genuine and sincere. You take pride in being a good friend. For you, success is measured in terms of personal achievement and growth, not by status or position. Rare as emeralds, greens are wonderful, natural people. It truly is your color!

this was the first tym in my entire lyf that i was so eager to go home just to find the solace of my blog… im pathetic. i really am pathetic. i wanted to cry.. i want to rant.. i want to talk to sum1 who would understand me.. or even s/he cant.. i dont care.. i just needed sum1 to talk to.. anyone.. but i couldnt find anyone.. im lost. im alone. can i disapppear?

this evntually.. was the worst of all the worst days. im guilty, i had just received a word that totally wrecked myself, and a stupid man caused my toefingers to bleed.. wow… very much like daniel powter’s song bad day.. this noon.. u know wat i repeatedly told myself.. that i am invincible.. no one can break me down, im not crying, im not gonna runaway, i have to pretend that i dont feel anything, force a smile, c’mon.. u shouldnt be affected.. or they will laugh at u, or worst pity you.. no i dont wanna be pitied. no matter how much it hurts… i cant breakdown.. i cant.. u know wat, i want to cry now.. but no.. i cant risk the fact that my parents or my lil sis would see me… they would ask of course why?… and i dont have a plausible reason, why i am crying.. bcoz in the 1st place i dont have the ryt to cry, or feel anything for that matter.. i should just be happy for him ryt?  ryt! thats ryt. be happy for him. can i cry now? no i cant. bcoz theres no one i could cry to. they would always say they would be there when u need them.. now that i am in so much need.. y arent they there?.. how much could i really take.. im feel like dying inside. why didnt u tell me? why did i have to find it out myself? WHY? u wretched… u are such pompous liar.. how could a person like u hurt me so much… y do i have to feel this awful, heartbreaking, terrible pain?..   help me please.. im hurting so much. and i dont have anyone to run to.. i never felt so much hurt b4.. it really hurts… oh god.. pls help  me…

“I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me- I’m going to smile”

im tired. im really tired. maybe my body cant handle the physical and emotional stress anylonger. thats what i get from numbing myself. numbing myself in simpler terms, is not being affected by the people around me. not feeling anything. being cold and aloof. i get to do what i want to do, w/o thinking how would people react to it. i get to say and act the way i am. although, forcefully i always try to smile, i think im really tired of doing it over and over again… but then again, by always smiling and laughing no one would really know how cold inside i am. how my thoughts are eating me, how my sorrow is manipulating me into a lifeless doll.

aside from my unrequited feelings for somebody, i got my family to think about, my future to think about, and also situations i really need to think and solve, before matter gets worse. but worse isnt the word here.. but  actually a worst, uncontrollabe situation. it has been 2 weeks already.. wow! i never thought it was that long now.. and i never thought i could survive the guilt inside me. whats keeping me from talking to her? alot of ppl would ask me that for sure, if they knew. maybe they would also suggest that i should just apologize. i would have. i could have. its not my pride anylonger… but its a fear. its not like im afraid of her, i never was. but im afraid for her.. i dont want to hurt her. and i know.. i did before.. thats why.. i dont want to rebuild our friendship again for the reason that i may also build ways to hurt her. she was ryt, i dont have the ryt to tell her what to do. she’s older than me, more mature. she can cope with it. i dunno what will happen.. but if it is the only way that i wouldnt hurt her again bcoz of my stupid mouth..then i better shut it up and not get close to her. i really hate myself, when i hurt those ppl i care most about. thats why i try to act cold to them.. so that they would hate me as well.. and that way no one would actually get close to me and be hurt. absurd thinking? yeah. however, i was brought up to be like that.

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I really need it.”