Daily Dose of Pumpkin

busy week has ended. my toxic life has ended. great. now what shall i do w/ my life. i know i have the household chores. i still have to try and treat my mom’s dog, hopefully i’l start 2mr and hopefully again, i can manage to heal her biggie wound. BUT after that? what now? yeah. next week practice for our pinning. and then? after our pinning, graduation comes and after that? review for board exams. i have planned those things way back in 3rd yr. but u came, and my goal to numb myself havent been achieved. coz u were there. no. i dont want u to disappear or stay away. that would be cruel and would hurt me? how ironic isnt it? even if you are still there and still my friend, i still ache and feel pained. bang. dooogsh. i dunno wat to do? will i manage to forget u? what if i dont? then i’l miss u, and my eyes & ears will look for clues of ur existence, and then my heart will long for u. and then i’l be ACHING.. aching to see u, talk to u, laugh w/ u.

maybe they were ryt, the more u try to forget the harder it’ll be to actually forget. let it flow. let it pass… and then in the end, il regret.

here i go again… how much does it cost to fly away from here? away from all the troubles, heartaches, pressures and expectations im facing? maybe a million aint enough. perhaps, money cant take those away either. but perhaps it is i, hu should face them and find a resolution, thus finding my own happiness. i told u i had awoken from my happy-ever-after fantasy, but ive never expected reality to hit me directly on my face. sheessh.. shocking… ouch…

ive joined evry committee, every activity just to numb myself. but i guess it aint working. maybe it does, just for an hour or so, but the moment im alone again, like now, sadness & sorrow creep towards me. i feel like a lifeless soul, a body living everyday w/o a purpose. im not happy neither unhappy. i feel so empty. ive joined in, just to assure myself that in some part of this world, i am needed and that i am not a useless entity just as i view myself. another reason might be, to numb myself. yes. been working so hard for that to happen. but it just wont happen. i wish i couldnt feel anything. but i guess this is curse of those who are born under the sign of the scorpion. insensitivity yet sensitive, jealousy, and with controlling and strong emotions. now im blaming the stars. pathetic.  who do u think will i blame next for my ineptitude to control my own life? this is certainly absurd. but then, everything thats been happening now is too ridiculous, for me to comprehend. and now my harebrained self is now on the verge of losing her bestfriend..  ok.. dang it.. i think ive been losing too many people.. this is a disease.. and its eating me…

“Life must go on;
I forgot just why.”

everytime n nkksalubong ko xa, i just smile at him.. like i always do. sobrang routine lgi nlng gnun. well in fact, andami kong gs2 sbhn s knya. ask him hows he doing. how he feels. wats the latest ish. sheessh.. i am such a sheepish, cheesy, and a coward. how many times do i have to blame and pity myself for it… but the situation’s getting worse. i feel like i dunno u anylonger. u seem so far away. i couldnt reach u. i know sumthing is going but u wouldnt tell me.. sumthing just aint ryt. we seem to be growing apart rather than becoming closer together… i guess i should really just disappear from ur life. and btw, if it was ur idea of always having a harem beside u.. well ul ultimately succeeding of confusing my mind and making me a lil bit jealous.. pero the he.LL u care nmn db?

 “I don’t pretend to know what love is for everyone, but i can tell you what it is for me, love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

bakit ganun.. pakiramdam ko ang samasama ko. hay, kung sabagay matagal n kong bad girl e. i cant help it. i cant keep my mouth shut. im too impulsive. i act w/o thinking. i blabber w/o thinking. and i say such foolish words that would drive anyone to the point of becoming nothing. ang sama ko.

pakiramdam ko kc galit k sakin ngaun. hndi  m man lng kc cnabi kung ok lng b ung mga cnabi ko at sermon ko sayo. pxnsya n kung medyo cruel nung words. ang tanga ko rn kc e, di ko man lng dinahan-dahan. lagi ko nlng cnsbi kung anu iniicp ko. i ddnt mean to hurt u [if u were hurt, w/c i bet medyo, pero tinatago m n nmn. hay, dyan nmn tau magaling e, kaya cguro tau bestfriends noh], i just wanted to be true to myself,  and to you also. cguro natakot dn lng ako, n baka iwan m n ko pg nging kau na. baka maging katulad k rn kc nla e. ssbhng d k iiwan, pero by and by, onti-onti n pla clang lumalayo. alam ko sobrang selfish ko… pero i hope u do understand. ngaun lng kc ako ngtiwala ng sobra sa isang tao e at nakahanap ng taong nakakaintindi sakin. xmpre, pg nkkita m n mei threat s friendship, parang magreretaliate ka. pero alam ko nmn di m ggwin un e… cguro nmn di m ko iiwan tulad nila. pero pwd rn. ok lng nmn. if u wud be absolutely happy.. then go. its ok. i dont mind. madali lng nmn mgsuppress at mgrepress db. hehe i just want u to be happy ok, kaya tlgang masaya ako nung nkita kitang masaya ksama nia. khit nanggagalaiti ako dun s guy ok lng. at least he can make u laugh and smile, and with him, u are u. and im happy for that. kc once m lng nmn ireveal ung 22ong sarili m e. btw, i havent apologized have i?.. sorry ha. sbi m kc nssktan k dhil pinagiicpn kita ng ganun.. sorry ha.. sorry tlga… bad kc ako.. dumi ng utak noh.. at kagaya m rn ako.. takot dn ako s tao.. nkktakot ibgay ung buong twala m s isang tao e.. un lng.. be safe…

“Yes I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it’s not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I’ve got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I’m lucky, he’ll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.” [this is for the man i saw this afternoon walking on the fields]

hao! today, ive laughed more than i can. i smiled more than i thought. felt at eased more than i can ever be. was feeling frustrated, betrayed, sad, unhappy, depressed yesterday all because of a guy, ive realized today, was just using me and making me think that life is so miserable. but now im fine, im happy. i never thought that the only way i would wake up from my happy-ever-after fantasy is when i met a guy who made me feel happy because i am me. now, ive also realized how shallow my loving/liking to him is and how easily it was to forget him. thank u guys, for taking me along last nyt. if i hadnt attend that party, i wouldnt be happy ryt now, or smiling to myself because of the memories of the morn.

“The mark of a true crush Is that you fall in love first And grope for reasons afterward.”

waaah. di n ko virgin. *Sobs* stupid dog. hahaha

i was at my bff’s house knina tpos ngkita kme ule ni ripper [the pitbull i gave to her]. tpos aun, tama daw bang yakapin ako nung aso at kastahan at aking paa? waaah.. hehehe karma kc, lagi ko inaasar c recrec [bff's shobe] kc gnaganun dn xa ni ripper.

happy ako. sobra. kc sobrang bonding n nmn kme ng bestie ko, like the old times. weee.. im really happy that i had found sum1 n tlgang inaaccept ako kung cnu ako. xmpre both of us we’re still adjusting b4 and xmpre kiniklala ang isat isa.. so back in our 1st yr days, mejo superficial plng nmin klala ang isat isa. pero now.. hay bestfriends for life na ang drama nmin. maybe im happy rn for her, kc ngawa nia ule mgtiwala s tao and accepted me as her bestfriend dn. daig ko p ang nanalo ng 1million peso noh hahaha

“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. i’ll always be with you.”

maliligo n dapat ako pero ito, blogging n nmn… dapat matagal ko n tlga itinigil toh e. pero xmpre kelangan mei outlet ang emotions and feelings, problems & difficulties in life ko.. para nmn di ako mabaliw.

masaya ako tuwing nkikita kita. alam m nmn yan db. pero mei ksamang lungkot un. lungkot n sa paanong paraan ay hnd ko malalaman kung bkit at kung anung pinagmumulan ng sadness n un. mas masaya ako pg kinakausap m ako, hnd man halata, dahil preho nmn taung parang tanga pg naguusap. di ngttinginan. para taung ngssalita s ere, ang kausap ay ang hangin. pero masaya p rn un. di ko rn maipaliwanag kung bkit pinagppawisan ako pg kausap kita, kung bkit di ako makatingin ng diretso sau, kung bkit pkiramdam ko, sobrang uneasy ako pg ksama at kausap kita, pero at the same time, feeling ko ako n ang pnakamaswerteng nilalang s mundo. napakarami kong nais sabihin sau, pero bkit ganun, ikaw n nga ang lumapit, di p rn ako mkapgsalita. di ko p rn msabi n nmiss kita. s iba ang daling sbhn nun, bkit pgdating sau ang hirap n. parang nauutal n ako, n para bang nakalunok ako ng isang malaking mansanas. hay, nttawa n ko s pinagllagay ko d2. tama n nga. hehehe pero sana s susunod n mgkausap tau, sana at ease n tau s isat isa, at d n tau ngkkhiyaan. tama k nga, parehong taung ngkkhiyaan kaya walang ngyayari. pero hanggang kelan kya? pag 2migil n b, ibg sabhn ngkalimutan na?

“It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that’s dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It’s so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can’t say the things you want to.”