Daily Dose of Pumpkin

parang isang panaginip ang nakalipas n araw.. ay mali.. hndi isang panaginip kundi isang nightmare/bangungot. gs2 kong maging masaya pero di ko magawa. pkiramdam ko may kulang. panu k b nmn mgiging masaya kung alam mong ang ibang tao ngayo’y nalulungkot, umiiyak, at tila ninakawan n ng pag-asa s buhay. hanggang ngaun hnd ko p rn maintindhan at matanggap s sarili ko, bkit minsan sobrang unfair ng buhay s ibang tao. o bka nmn mali lng ako.. maybe i am just saying these thoughtless things bcoz i view lyf in one-side only and i cant see the good things that happen to other ppl, esp myself. lagi kong cnsbi s sarili ko at sa iba, n hnd ako matalino, its just pure luck n umabot ako ng 4th yr.. at eto n nga pasado n rn ako for 2nd sem [mkkpag-CIP n ko.. waah]. pero mnsan naiicp ko, ibg sbhn ang malas ng ibang tao? haay.. di ko tlga maintindhan ang buhay. cguro swerte cla s ibang bgay n kung saan ay minalas ako.. k2lad n lng cguro, meron clang masayang pamilya, they have lovely and wonderful childhood memories, w/c i myself lacked.

pero s totoo lng, takot dn akong mag-fail… cnu bang hnd? kaya nga defense mech ko n ang hnd mg-aral pg mei exam.. i nver give my 100% in anything that i do..lam nio bkit? kc takot ako. takot ako n mabigo. takot ako n pg bngay ko ung lahat ng mkkaya at ng-fail  rn.. takot akong malaman s sarili ko n mahina ako, n hanggang dun lng ako, n ito lang pala ang kkayanan ko, at dhil pg ngyari un, cguradong ang npakababa kong self-esteem ay 2luyan ng mababaon s lupa.. pati mismong utak ko ay iicpng isa ako failure. isang taong hnd maaasahan. weird.. pero un n tlga e..

hnd ko alam kung bkit ako iyak ng iyak knina.. at kung bkit naiiyak p rn ako ngaun.. dhil marahil pgkatapos ng isang isang taon, ngaun ko n lng ule naramdaman ung feeling of helplessness. n khit gs2 mo tumulong hnd m mgawa, dhil wla k nmn tlgang mggawa kundi ang yakapin at kaibgan m. sabayan syang umiyak. show support and empathize & sympathize w/ her… cmula pumasok ako s kolehiyo ng pgkalinga, tila isa akong manonood ng isang stageplay o d kya para mas social Russian Ballet [hehehe], may pgkaobserver kc ako. gs2ng-gs2 kong pinapanood ang mga tao.. khit wag n clang mgsalita.. i watched them as they smile, as they cry, as they say hello and finally as they bid farewell.

hay, lapit n nmn ako mgbirthday. tatanda n nmn ako. from now wla ng isang buwan. *sigh* natatandaan ko pa dti, ang sbi ko s sarili ko, dpat hanggang 16 years old lng ako. after ng age n un, dpat mamatay, matigok, malagutan n ko ng hininga.. s kaweirdohan ko, naaalala ko pa, cnbi ko n mgppasagasa ako b4 ako mg-17. and yet, in less than a month, im turning 19 already.. and at 19 hopefully, il be graduating from the college of nursing.. (hay sana nga, it will all depend on 2mr’s ICN classcards..)

bukas.. oh no.. erase. erase. mamaya n pla un. after lunch. faith will decide.

parang nkakatakot pumasok bukas, dhil alam mong puro 4th year nlng ang makikita m.. at dhil dun.. ddanak n nmn ang luha at iyakan s GK 3rd floor. isang scenariong nakatatak n saming isipan, cmula pa nung mg-2nd year kme. ayaw mn nting mngyari at makakita ng ganoon.. ngyayari p rn. mga barkada nlalagas. mga buhay nccra. minsan p nga, nagtatangkang magpakamatay. nakakalungkot. pero mging ako man, hnd ko mttanggap to be named as a failure.

pero, hnd nmn puro hirap at iyakan ang ngganap s loob ng kolehiyo ng pagkalinga. hnd n ata mbibilang ang dami ng saya, issues, at scandals  n nganap.. lahat un ang sarap pgtsismisan.
teka, ndidisturb ako. ngchachat dn kc ako habang gngawa ko toh.. kaya parang may flight of ideas ang gumagawa nito.. hehehe

masaya ako ngaung araw n toh… DAHIL!!!! hehehe un n un..

hm, if u cud still remember my last post.. i’ve typed there last friday was our judgment day.. but no! hellish pare! judgment day was moved to monday… prolonging the agony of 4th yr students.. ngttaka lang ako ha, pero bakit parng ang daming bgsak s 4th year ngaun. if my sources are correct..
      10 from blk 6 bgsak s contempo
      15 from blks 6 & 7 bgsak s ICN
      14 from blk 4 bgsak s ICN again
      15 from blk 5 bgsak s ICN again & again…
                   TOTAL # of casualties: 54
wow! lagas n nmn kme.. forever n yan eh. back in 1st yr, there used to be 17 blocks. we entered 2nd year with 16 blocks for the 1st sem. and then, 12 blocks for the 2nd sem. In our third year, we kicked off w/ 8 blocks (tama b?) hanggang ngaun 8 blocks p rn kme.. but with that # of casualties for this year, for sure mga 6 blocks nlng kame.. maybe, ngaun cla ngttanggal kc di n applied s 4th year students ang retention policy. what i mean is, even if u fail and fail and fail and fail again, until u cannot passed that subject u failed u r free to stay in PLM-CN… unlike the lower years, that if they fail.. thats it.. say bye-bye to the college, to the profs, and to ur wonderful blockmates and say hello to ur new school. that is, kung wla kng kpit s registrar or s admin office, ligwak k tlga. (BIAS NOH?!!)

kinakabahn p rn ako.. hay, kung mei MI ako nung friday.. malamang ngaun nsa MICU n ko.. hehehe.. pero gnun tlga ang buhay. certain defeats & failures are inevitable but never forget the last thing that came out of pandora’s box.. HOPE.

parang sobrang non-sense mga cnasbi ko.. hay, ayaw ko n nga… maglalaro n lng ako FLYFF… cge nxt tym nlng ule.. tnatamd dn kc ako mgblog ngaun e…

ALAM nio b kung anung araw un? the dreaded day.. the dooms day for the 4th yr students of blockes 4 and 5. alam nio bakit? e2 n ang katotohanan. ibbgay n ang classcards nmin s ICN. di ko matanggap. tapos na. tapos na. kumbaga, kung di mo n pwdeng sbhn na "next week bbawi ako. next quiz babawi ako. next exam babawi ako." wala di m n mababawi, kc i2 n nga. para this is the deciding point of our lives, where in, you’ll be judged whether u have what it takes to be a nurse - a professional nurse. kc if u r still not capable of being so, then.. waah ligwak kame. ay mali d nmn pala ligwak, since 4th year students are not affected by the retention policy. meaning khit after 10 years d p rn kme pumapasa s ICN, ok p rn. hehehe PLM p rn kme. ngyekerz! (nu mganda dun?).. so un nga, kaya pnayuhan n kme ng aming pinakamamahal n guro n kaibiganin n daw po nmin ang mga lower years kc bka cla ang clasm8s n nmin next year.. (waaah wag nmn po sana..)

nakakatakot. nakakatakot tlga. parang cguro ung pakiramdam nmin is the same with ppl who are hving myocardial infarction.. ‘the feeling of impending doom’… [hehehe :-)]

parang wla ng sense mga sinsabi ko… flight of ideas? hahaha. schizo n ko.. T_T

bsta GUDLUCK N LNG TLGA SA LAHAT!!! KAHIT S LOWER YEARS GUDLUCK S INYO!! PAKABAIT AT ARAL MABUTI!! GODBLESS……

after so many days of not posting, i finally got the time to post.. *sigh* im just procrastinating.. i havent slept for 27hours straight.. ok i took a nap for an hour.. groggy. dont even know what im going to type. just that, im really happy, of what happened yesterday and today. thnx pokeko, oops rudy. hehe